Most parents and caregivers want to do their best in raising their children. This includes teaching them necessary life skills and values for them to grow up into healthy and functioning individuals. Answering children’s questions about sex and sexuality is one of the responsibilities many parents are terrified of. Other confident parents often feel uneasy and awkward when it comes to talking about sex to their children. But the subject should not be avoided. Some parents and caregivers may question the appropriateness of talking about such sensitive topics with young children. Maybe you are one of them. But consider this: our children are already hearing about these issues from television, movies, newspapers, magazines, the internet, and school friends. If we do not talk with them early and often — and answer their questions directly – they will most likely get their information from someone else. And we will have missed an important teaching opportunity to offer our children information that is not only accurate but also in congruence with our own personal values. By answering children’s questions as they arise, parents and caregivers can help foster healthy feelings about sexuality and sex. Here are some tips from talkingwithkids.org:
Explore your own personal attitudes towards sex and sexuality
Medical research shows that children who feel they can talk with their parents or caregivers about sexuality and sex — because their parents talk openly and listen attentively to them — are less likely to engage in high-risk sexual behaviour as adolescents than children who do not feel they can talk with their parents about the subject. (It’s a myth that if we teach our children about sexuality, they will run off to engage in sexual behaviour). So explore your personal feelings about sexuality and sexual behaviour. If you feel very uncomfortable with the subject, do some research, find science-based information on the internet or read some books and discuss your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, medical doctor, or social worker/counselor in your community. The more you examine and learn about sexuality and ways to talk to children, the more confident you will feel talking about it. There are some excellent websites with age-appropriate strategies to talk about sexuality with children.
Being comfortable with talking about sexuality and sex takes time; most of us did not grow up in families where we were taught about our bodies, feelings, desires, and relationships. Even if you cannot quite overcome your discomfort, do not worry about admitting these feelings to your children. It is okay to say something like, “You know, I’m uncomfortable talking about sex because my parents never talked with me about it. But I want us to be able to talk about anything — including sex — so please come to me if you have any questions. If I don’t know the answer, we will find out together.” Having these conversations with children and pre-adolescents can be overwhelming, but by trying and breaking the silence around the issue, we get better the next time around and build a stronger relationship with our children.
When to start? Start early
Most experts agree that teaching your children about sexuality and sexual behaviour demands a gentle, continuous flow of information that should begin as early as possible — for instance, when teaching your toddler where his/her nose and toes are, include “this is your penis” or “this is your vagina” in your talks. Parents are encouraged to use the correct anatomical words. They may sound clinical, but there is no reason why the proper label should not be used when the child is capable of saying it. These words — penis, vagina, etc. — should be stated matter-of-factly, with no implied silliness. That way, the child learns to use them in a direct manner, without embarrassment. As your child grows, you can continue his/her education by adding more materials gradually until he/she understands the subject well.
Take the initiative
If your child has not started asking questions about sex, look for a good opportunity to bring it up. Say, for instance, the mother of an 8-year-old’s best friend is pregnant. You can say, “Did you notice that Joseph’s mom’s tummy is getting bigger? That’s because she’s going to have a baby and she’s carrying it inside her. Do you know how the baby got inside her?” then let the conversation move from there.
Talk about more than the “Birds and the Bees”
While our children need to know the biological facts about sex, they also need to understand that sexual relationships involve respect for self and the other, caring, concern and responsibility. By discussing the emotional aspect of a sexual relationship with your child, he/she will be able to make informed decisions later on and to resist peer pressure. If your child is a pre-adolescent, you need to include some message about the responsibilities and consequences of sexual activity. Conversations with 11 and 12-year-olds, for example, should include talks about setting boundaries and limits, unwanted pregnancy, sexually transmitted infections, and how they can protect themselves.
One aspect that many parents overlook when discussing sex with their child is dating. As opposed to movies, where two people meet and seconds later end up in bed together, in real life there is time to get to know each other — time to see a movie, chat on the internet, hold hands or just talk. Children need to know that this is an important part of a caring relationship.
Give accurate, age-appropriate information
Talk about sex in a way that fits the age and stage of development of your child. If your 8-year-old asks why boys and girls change so much physically as they grow, you can say something like, “The body has special chemicals called hormones that affects the bodily changes of boys and girls as they grow older. A boy has a penis and testicles, and when he grows older his voice gets deeper and he gets more hair on his body. A girl has a vulva and vagina, and when she gets older she grows breasts and her hips grow rounder.”
Anticipate the next stage of development
Children can get frightened and confused by the sudden changes their bodies begin to go through as they reach puberty. To help reduce and prevent any anxiety, talk with your children not only about their current stage of development but about the next stage, too. An 8-year-old girl is old enough to learn about menstruation, just as a boy that age is ready to learn how his body will change.
Communicate your values
It is our responsibility to let our children know our values about sexual behaviour. Although they may not adopt these values as they get older, at least they will be aware of them as they struggle to figure out how they feel and want to behave. You might also use this opportunity to point out that not having sexual intercourse is a good idea for teens. Help them understand there are other ways to show affection. Â
Talk with your child of the other gender
Some parents feel uncomfortable talking with their child about topics like sex if the youngster is of the other gender. While that’s certainly understandable, don’t let it become an excuse to close off conversation. If you are a single mother of a son, for example, you can turn to science-based websites for age-appropriate information to help guide you or ask your doctor for some advice on how to bring up the topic with your child. You could also recruit an uncle or other close male friend or relative to discuss the subject with your child, provided there is already good, open communication between them. If there are two parents in the household, it might feel less awkward to have the dad talk with the boy and the mom with the girl. That is not a hard and fast rule, though. If you are comfortable talking with either sons or daughters, go right ahead. Just make sure that gender differences do not make subjects like sexuality including sexual behaviour taboo.
Relax
Don’t worry about knowing all the answers to your children’s questions; what you know is a lot less important than how you respond. If you can convey the message that no subject, including sexual behaviour, is forbidden in your home, you will be doing just fine.
